September 12, 2018. A day that went by extremely fast and that I barely remember. I spent 6 years and 1 month in graduate school. I had done very well in my classes, but failed my candidacy test twice. Therefore, I was nervous. I was nervous that I would fail my thesis defense. Everyone tells you that your committee won’t let you defend if they don’t think you’re ready, but I had a tough committee. I purposely picked each committee member because they wouldn be tough on me. I knew I’d do well duing my publc defense. I don’t get nervous talking in large crowds. Plus, I had just done about six different interviews for a postdoctoral position, where I had to give a talk at each one. So I was prepared for my pubic defense. It was the provate defense that scared me. What if I said something completely stupid? What if I blanked out and forgot how basic immunology worked? What if I hadn’t read an important paper, but my committee did? None of my committee meetings were easy, so I knew my private defense would be very difficult.
Anyway, I woke up and got ready like I did every day. I think I went to the gym in the morning., showered., changed into the clothes I had laid out the night before, and then drove an hour to Albany Medical College. I practiced my talk one last time, but then my nerves started to kick in, so I just walked around for an hour or so, talking to whomever would listen. Then, my family had arrived around noon. Thank goodness it was a Wednesday. My parents and brother could finally enjoy the infamous turkey sandwich and homemade kettle chips the cafeteria makes. Something familiar to calm my nerves. My friend, Lauren (go visit my “Jamestown” blog to see her), was a sweetheart and took care of my family and had lunch with us, in an attempt to help me out. I’m so glad she did, because I could not talk at lunch. I was too focused on my upcoming defense. And I know, if my mom had a silent lunch, she’d gumble about the long 2 and a half hour car ride they just took, and how she wasn’t excited to experience it again that night. I didn’t need to hear them complain. This was a huge day for me. I had enough to worry about.
We got my family all settled in the back of the presentation room. I set up my talk and made sure the clicker worked and slides advanced. The people started coming in slowly. Then finally, it was 1:30 pm. It was time. My mentor got up and said a few words. Much less formal than I had anticipated. He was very sweet and really seemed proud of the work I had done. It kind of threw my off guard. The last couple defenses he did seemed really formal and such. I was surprised. And then it was my turn to speak. I had the next 45 minutes to talk all about my research that I’ve been working on for the past 5 years or so. All-in-all, I think I did great. I did make one slip. Instead of saying something like “the midwest” or “in the center of the US” I said the F. tularensis was endemic to central America” which is definitely not true. But I was nervous. Ultimately, everyone said I did a great job and I was easy to follow and understand.
Waiting for my priate defense, I’m already sweating. Thankfully, I was smart, and picked a cardigan that hides sweat very well. I’m trying everything I can to calm down. Deep breathing, twiddling on my phone, pacing back and forth. Unfortunatley nothing worked, so I just had to push forward and keep going, despite my rising anxiety levels. The committee made me stand outside while they were talking about my public defense and progress thus far. I used that time to pace back and forth, up and down the hallway, try to let out a little energy. Then they called me inside, and we just started talking. They asked me some really difficult questions. Nothing that I can jst respond with saying, “That’s a great question! I’ll have to look into it,” because there was no time to look into anything anymore. I had to provide a geniune response, and theorize what could actually be the answer. I thought I did terrible. I almost broke down on at least three seperate occasions. When they had me leave the room for the last time so they could decide if I passed, I went next door to Joanne’s office (our amazing administrative assistant) and started crying hysterically. I swore I failed. But Joanne, Dawn, and Nicole all reassured me they wouldn’t let me fail; I’ve traveled such a long way and made so much progress over the years. I blew my nose and wiped my tears and went back to wait in the hallway. After what felt like forever, my mentor invited me back inside. He said, “well we have bad news.” I almost started crying again. But then he continued, saying, “There are a couple of minor changes we want you to make. But, congratulations, Dr. Soucy! You passed!” I looked around the room, almost as if I was trying to get validation that I really passed. Then my committee went around the room saying how proud they were of me, and that I’ve made great progress. They were happy with the scientist I have started to become and that they can’t wait to see what I do in my future. It was so surreal. Unfortunately, though, since I had just had an anxiety attack and broke down in Joanne’s office, I didn’t really enjoy the moment like I should have. I don’t remember feeling happy I had passed. I just called my family who were on their way back home then went to lab to take a breather. But of course, when I got back to lab, all my lab mates wanted to know what happened.
After an hour or so of just explaining the day’s events to everyone, it was time for my little celebration in the conference room. The department bought me a cake, my mentor bought champagne. Again, I don’t remember feeling happy. I was just present. Everyone came by to say congratulations. My mentor even got me a nice breifcase! His wife had to have been the one to pick it out. It was amazing, and yet again, completely surprised.
My parents didn’t want to stay for the celebation, so they headed out after my public defense. And since I had my private defense immediately after my talk, I rushed out of the room, barely saying goodbye. I deeply regret that. I didn’t get a picture with my family. My mom said, “aww that’s ok. We’ll just get one together at graduation in May.” Little did any of us know, that would be the last time I ever really saw my mom. She got sick, and unfortunately passed away less than a month after I started my post-doc in Boston. I’m extremely thankful that my family made the trip up to Albany to watch a defense that they didn’t understand. I didn’t want them to come. I didn’t want to hear them complain about the drive, or how they did know what I was saying. But now I’m extremely thankful that my brother made them come. He convinced them that this was a one in a lifetime opportunity and they needed to come support me one last time. And surprisingly, I don’t remember them complaining at all about anything really. I just remember my mom’s voicemail she left talling me how they wouldn’t stay but that she was very proud of me. And I remember calling them once my mentor told me I was successful, and hearing her shout and say “Congratualtions! That’s fantastic!” I’m very happy they came up.
Finally, I got to head home after a very long day. I just wanted to lay down, relax. But my roommate had other plans. They wanted to treat me to a nice meal out. So we went to my favorite restaurant. We got some celebratory Fireball. Then finally, I got to go back home. I showered again, because I just sweat so much that day. I got changed in my comfy PJs and crawled into bed. It wasn’t until I laid down I started to realize just how amazing the day was- how big it was. I was a doctor. I had my PhD. I earned it. I finally started to enjoy my day and feel proud. I finally started feeling emotions, that weren’t anxiety-realated or me feeling like a failure.
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